First Name Basis

Louise asks if I'm "worried" then gamely offers a "discreet site that u can Buy Pills from safely." Jennifer wants to know my shipping address.  And Jessica tells me that my "check is still waiting."  What do all of these chicks have in common?  They are all probably out-of-work middle aged male spammers.

I seem to be on a first name basis with lots of people I don't know these days, and then there are those who choose to remain mysterious.  Finally.Found.You doesn't let me know WHO finally found me.  In.Touch.With.Your.Ex believes that every psycho spurned wife or husband wants to reconnect with their former partners (can you say "restraining order?").  And apparently an "Old Fling Has Searched For You" meaning me, and hey, I've got about 100 of those - and there's a reason they were OLD flings!

Job Training ads have been increasing of late; I can learn to be a Massage Therapist (4) Nursing Assistant (3), a vague role in Criminal Justice (bounty hunting??? 3), and Medical Billing (4).  There's the usual instant cash/credit card scams (16; 6 with "Debt" in tagname), fat-flush promises (16) and Amanda is back, hot for my body.

News on Wall Street is good today.  The Dow had its highest monthly increase since 2002.  Not such great news for everyone who sold in a panic last month.  Perhaps they were banking on the "Fortune 500 Companies" that want to pay $150-$1,500 per DAY!  "If you can type - hunt and peck is ok - you can make a good living."  Hunting being the operative word.

If it's Sunday, we must be plum out of money.  And looking forward to starting our crash weight loss plan on Monday.  

That is what is indicated by the number of both Instant Cash-Line of Credit come ons (21) and "Winter Fat Be Gone" type promises (17).   Those with "less than perfect credit are welcome" to apply for MasterCard through this third party shiester,  which is rather obvious because those with perfect credit will go about obtaining a MasterCard legitimately through Visa/MasterCard directly.

In the homework department, "Mystery Millionaire" asks if I'm "still looking for a way to make money online," which must be a kick for any millionaire to be doing in his spare time; unless it's Bernie Madoff again, fooling around with his laptop in his jail cell.  Speaking of millionaires, Bill Gates is back wanting me to make money, as he's been encouraging me to do for the past week, every day, with his Microsoft billions.  A couple of potential bosses are "Looking for people to work from THERE computer," and, as noted, a good command of English and ability to spell is not required.  Another job boasts "Earn 5K per week; Free membership for the 1st 24 people."  Not only is 24 a rather odd even number, but think about it- how would anyone KNOW that they are not the first 24 to respond.  How old is this email?  And, also, why should you have to pay a membership to work?  Shouldn't they be paying you?  Just tell them to take it out of the five grand when they get around to paying you.  

In all, I got 10 "work from home" ads. Another 12 Job Training enticements - from teaching degrees to nursing, massage school and culinary training - seem to be banking on those Wall St. and Auto Manufacturer refugees to want to bake pastries and knead knotted necks.  

Amber and Megan still want to meet me, as do the Single, big-boobed glossed lips girls of Fling.com - 10 emails in all.  One, with subject line, "Someone just searched for you online," opens to "IS someone searching for you online?" It's amazing how one little word can be so depressing; wow, I'm so popular!  Ahhh, ohhh.  "Is?" Guess not.

And once again, to add to the This Is How We Got In This Economic Mess department, four spam-mails offer to ease my way towards procuring a new car. "Don't let your credit prevent you from purchasing the car you want" highlights the sick co-dependency between  failing car companies and customers with no money.  Though the car you most likely want is not one of those gas-guzzling clunkers coming out of Detroit.  

Hard work?  Hunker down?  I haven't gotten any of those emails yet.  

Tomato Trees

"Do you have bad credit?" the message asked. "Well it's not necessarily your fault."

Isn't this the kind of thinking that got us in this big financial mess in the first place? Seems that people will grab onto any $$ lifeline that comes mass-emailed, included those that stress; "No employment verification. No credit required," and the puzzling "No faxing required." Is extreme faxing required of other, more demanding credit companies?

Here we are now. It's Friday and in addition to the fast-cash scams (8) turning my gold jewelry into big bucks (2) and job offers(8) (including one which claims "you will make nothing less than $4,000 monthly...all we want you to do is just for you to receive from our client in USA and process payment," which sounds like it came out of the mouths of Boris and Natasha and might have something to do with bribing border police, in which case you'd need to reinvest a good portion of said four grand back into the business), I'm finding food and gardening tips.

One site will give me $100 to spend on Chef Boyardee Meals, though I have to say that if I scored a quick $100, I think the last thing I'd spend it on is canned sodium.

And, when I opened a tag called "Grow" - expecting, um, you know what (rhymes with "mean us in charger"), I get this charming enticement; "Supercharge your tomatoes." Now, I've never had the pleasure of hearing, "look at the tomatoes on that girl!!" in my life, and at first it seemed to be the female version of the penis pump, but wonder of wonders, it was all about those tomatoes that grow on "Tomato trees." Yes, that's what I said. "Supersize your tomatoes; 3 Tomato Trees only $10!!" I'm no horticulturist, but I'm pretty sure tomatoes don't grow on trees. But what do I know. Gotta start my Victory Tomato Grove sometime, right?

Tips From Bernie

Do people get poorer as the week progresses? Fatter? Do their penises shrivel up? These seem to the only reasons I can think of to explain the upward trend of solutions to such problems showing up in my Spam Box as Friday approaches. Shopping deals decline - 12 today vs. 26 yesterday – and get-your-hands-on-cash-quick-schemes increase; within the last 24 hours, there were exactly 25 websites that want to help me lower my debt, give me instant cash and credit cards, and offer six figure income for sitting on my ass.

Bankbeaters asked “Are creditors taking advantage of you?” – as if you, the deadbeat, are the victim and the company from which you pur… stole goods and services is the criminal. Whatever happened to PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY?? Back to Bankbeaters. They claim that they re “THE Official Debt Relief Experts,” which might come as some surprise to Debtrescue, which also has the same slogan.

From the Will People Ever Learn Department, one email went all Bernie Madoff on me promising “37 checks in the mail per month: Hi (my email here), Years ago if someone had told me that I could make $85,000 online I never would have believed them.” Wonder how many unemployed, deluded and generally bereft targets believe him now.

I can get up to $1,500 in one hour, “Credit checks? Nope!” which eliminates several hurdles whereby intense scrutiny is applied to my assets and liabilities. Speaking of assets, the come-on from Luke Kirchner; “You don’t have to get out of bed to make $1,000 per week,” needs to move to Nevada with the other Role Playing ads.

Four emails let me know that “singles want to meet” me, which is a change from the FinallyFoundYou person who’d been looking for me yesterday who may or may not be single. Now that it’s Thursday, we’re narrowing it down to singles. Are you that desperate? And here, I’m still happily married.

Which brings me to my final highlighted Spam of the Day; an urgent one as designated by two exclamation points alongside the purported sender: Beauty.com. “This is some material for you,” said the subject line - the whiff of a grammatically-challenged foreigner about it. Curious to see what some of this material was, I opened it to find a picture of red capsules identified as Dr. MaXman Penis Enlarger Pills. “This is some material,” I thought to myself.

Years ago, when the first wave of these tantalizing penis-augmentation guarantees streamed into my AOL, I replied, “No thanks. My penis is big enough already.” It was then I realized there was no talking to a robot. My spam inbox became engorged almost immediately.

Tips From Bernie

Yes, there's lots of doom and gloom out there in the real world, but in my Spam Box there are opportunities aplenty to amass a fortune without having to expend any effort.  

Just today, I was offered 7 jobs that will garner me the arbitrary amount of $1540 per week.  Three will generate $147 per day.  And, if I decide that being conscious while working is too much trouble, I can make "$1,000 per week while I sleep."

Two emails indicate that perfect strangers, without any input from me as far as qualifications go, have found me employment. And amazingly, no less than BILL GATES himself "wants to help me make a living from home."  This is great news.

And another 7 messages promote job training for careers as varied as radiology and truck driving. (What ever happened to matchbook covers?).

Surprisingly, only one Nigerian billionaire today graced my spambox with his generosity and horrendous English, being inadvertently forthright with his intentions; "Dear Sir or Madame; E.LoansandFinancialServices is offering a floating loan scheme," scheming to loan me from $5,ooo to $2,000,000 in exchange for some personal information.  Note to AIG - why don't you work out a deal with these Nigerian orphans and widows who can't get their $20 million out of the country?  I'm sure you can make some arrangements with their Scroogish government.

Thirteen entities want to give me quick cash, in most cases $1,000 or $1500, to relieve my debt; which is rather counterintuitive unless you're in really deep debt, then you probably don't know what counterintuitive means.  Let's say I took DebtCorp or DebtHelp or DebtRescue or EndYourWorries up on their offers.  Then I'd be indebted to them, wouldn't I?  On top of everyone else.  That's what counterintuitive means.

There were 26 messages flogging deals of some kind or another.

8 with advice on beauty and/or weight loss.

One divorce lawyer offering his services, which brings me to;

Two men or women want to have a fling with me; though one pic was of some sexy women barely clad, and I'm not gay, so that was a perfect waste of an email.  And FinallyFoundYou indicated that someone has been searching for me.  But for the life of me, I can't figure out why I'd have to pay for someone else to look for me, particularly if that person from my past is a stalker-looser who I'd probably pay to keep away from me.

Three Acai Berry

Two resveratrol

and 5 survey requests.

In a Coma? No prob - you can make $1,000 Per Week

What gets caught in your spam box?  I used to delete these gems, but decided to categorize them instead.  So, I'll attempt to provide a daily listing - with my own notations - of the best and brightest of these schemes, scams and spam.